Our Ever Changing Homeschool and a Season From my Heart

We are in our fifth year of homeschooling with Nicole doing grade 5 and Madison is following an individual program plan (IPP) tailored to her learning delays. Lucie is in the Christian school doing Kindergarten twice a week and David and Rebecca-Jane are learning via osmosis.

When we first started I was the biggest advocate for homeschooling. If you've known me long enough, you'll know this to be true. I was so excited about it and firmly believed it to be the best choice. I would talk any one's ear off about the benefits and joys of homeschooling. I did a lot of reading and attended most conventions, meeting and groups geared for homeschoolers.

I had this beautiful, romantic notion of homeschooling. I loved what it represented and wanted it for my family. I also believe the Lord led us to home school. For us homeschooling was a way of life not simply an alternate educational option. I jumped in with two feet and hit the ground running.

Now over 5 years later, 2 extra kids and a move to a new town I'm not feeling so passionate about it. I have run out of steam and my romantic vision of homeschooling gone. Most days we get through but many I just want to hide under a rock and stay there. It has become a drudgery and I can't seem to get myself past this feeling of disappointment and failure. I'm only homeschooling 2 out of 5 kids and it has proved to be one of the MOST challenging things I have EVER done!
Well, now that I've painted a very bleak picture of myself I must confess that I really haven't been the mom I know I can be. My plate has been overflowing and spilling everywhere. Mothering, homeschooling and homemaking has been a challenge. This past fall we had a lot of sick days, for almost three months at least one child was sick and sometimes 4 out of 5 were sick. It was rough to say the least! As a result we are behind in our bookwork and left feeling rather worse for wear.
Our move this past summer really put us out of our groove as well. We've had to work hard at settling in and learning a new town. Having our first Christmas here definitely made it feel more like home but it took a long time to get here. Our routine and schedule definitely fell at the waist side as we learned to manage our new space and living 45 minutes from the city. We have things under control now and feel right at home but it took a lot longer then I thought it would.
I go in seasons I guess, don't we all? Some very fruitful and joy filled and others not so much. This has been a challenging season. Its weight is sometimes more then I can bear. I see what needs to be done yet I struggle with getting it done. It weighs heavy on my heart and I wonder if we'll make it through. Will it get better or will it go downhill from here?
Last week a friend told me she was considering homeschooling and wanted to chat with me about it and let's just say I probably wasn't the best person to talk to about homeschooling. But it left me thinking about this season, how we got here and where we are going. When we first started homeschooling we always said we'd take it one year at a time, after a couple years we decided it was something we wanted to whole heatedly commit too.

As I waded through my thoughts and this past year I went back to why we started and what kept us going these past five years. Throughout out everything the Lord had always been faithful in leading us. I have always believed it was by His leading that we choose to home school - A great story I'll post some time. It was by His grace that we managed to continue whilst having 2 more babies. Even after having post-partum with David He was faithful. I had put Nicole in school for 2 months to finish the year and during that season He worked in my heart and encouragement came from the most unlikely places.

The years that followed always had a learning curve whether it was a new family member, a pregnancy, different stages and milestones or selling, packing and moving . Each year came with it's challenges but we plowed through and finished the year getting ready for a new one. I may have considered sending the kids to school but it always passed. We had chosen to home school and we were going to give it our best. Well, this year I feel like there's no choice but to send them all to school. Deep down I really don't want too but I don't think I can do another year like this one.

The more I considered sending the kids to school I couldn't help but wonder if I'm running away? Rather then plowing through and rising to the challenge am I giving up? I've taken most of this on myself and the other day I was struck by the thought that I hadn't really given this matter up in prayer. I was mostly feeling overwhelmed and seeing it through my eyes. What is God's heart on our year, what does He have for us in this season? What is His leading in our homeschooling? Keep at it or send 'em to school?
Over the years I have prayed much over our decision to keep all the kids home and home school them. I have prayed and cried out to the Lord when the going got tough and He was always so faithful to answer. Why hadn't I prayed this time around? Maybe I'm ashamed. Afraid of what He'll say. Shouldn't I be better at this by now? Why do I always come to Him broken? Maybe I think I know what He'll say and I'm afraid I'll disappoint Him. I've let Him down so many times. I've let the kids, Dear Husband and myself down. Maybe I'm in hiding, afraid of exposing my struggles. This has been very hard for me - admitting I can't do it. Admitting this year hasn't been very good. I can hear all the scoffers in the background. This post has taken me days to write.
But surly He sees me - my heart and where I'm at. I am reminded, He loves me, I know His heart, as I write this I recognize the all to familiar lies. The other night during a fellowship group we sang Hosanna and Grace Like Rain. As the words left my lips I could feel my hope being restored. I could feel Him and I was reminded of His faithfulness.

He came so that I might be free. He shows me the way. He fills me with peace and reminds me that He gave me not a spirit of fear but one of love and of a sound mind. That in Him I can do all things.

He sees me for who I am and He gives me living water. Grace, like rain falls down on me.

Will we send the kids to school next year? I don't know. Will we continue to home school? I don't know. I do know I will turn to Him. Hope is stirring, my hear is yearning, I long for Him. He will have His way with me. In him I find strength to face the day and in His presence all my fears are washed away.

Hallelujah!